


Liam Dunbar: Master of Seduction

by manicmidnight



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Attempted Seduction, Bad Matchmaking, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Body Language, Borderline crack, Fluff, Getting Together, It gets serious as the fic progresses, Liam being Dead Inside, Liam is a Creeper Boi, M/M, Matchmaking, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romantic Face Punching, Stupidity disguised as a fic, The Pack Ships It, Unresolved Sexual Tension, confused Theo, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-02 08:31:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13314396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manicmidnight/pseuds/manicmidnight
Summary: Theo’s eyebrow arches, unimpressed. If he weren’t so fucking embarrassed—screw you, Mason—Liam’d punch the older boy in his stupid, perfect, face. That he also wants to kiss.God, his life is hard.ORThe puppy pack helps Liam get some.





	1. It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Me attempting another chaptered fic. Will it work out? Who knows!
> 
> Anyway, this is pure dumbness, so I hope you enjoy reading it! Chapter count may be changed later.

****“Dude, the pining is getting ridiculous.” Mason says from across the lunch table. Alec makes a grunt of agreement as he chomps into his sandwich.

“We should do something about it.” Nolan agrees determinedly, pasta sauce dripping off his spoon. Mason points his fork at him in a decidedly stupid gesture.

“You read my mind.” He says solemnly. Next to him, Corey chokes on his french fries.

“Guys, really?” He says, eyebrows furrowed, “It’s not up to us—”

“Babe, I love you, but I’m going to have to ignore you said that.” Mason says diplomatically.

Liam’s eye twitches.

“You guys know I’m _right here_ , don’t you?” He asks, voice dangerously soft.

Mason shrugs, but Alec answers for him.

“We know.” The curly-haired boy says easily, plucking out some stray lettuce, “We just chose to ignore you.”

“You little—” Liam wants to jump over the table and go at it right there, but he feels like that probably won’t be the best course of action. Especially not if he values his enrollment, and if Alec values his face.

He ignores Nolan and Corey’s apologetic expressions. He isn’t backing down; not here, not now.

“Look, Liam.” Mason says, and Liam looks at him begrudgingly. “You’ve been pretty hung up on Theo since the end of summer.”

“No I haven’t.” Liam denies, though he totally _has_ , “I don’t know what you’re talking about—”

“ _Theo’s really good at physics_.” Mason mimics and, grinning, Alec joins in, “ _Sour worms are Theo’s favorites._ ”

“He makes fun of me all the time too, just like this.” Liam says, misery slipping out on instinct and making Mason and Alec exchange alarmed glances.

“Corey, he’s doing it again.” Mason speaks to his boyfriend, making him sigh. Now that they’ve brought up Theo again though, Liam’s mind can’t stray from him.

The chimera has never stuck around Beacon Hills for the most part, though he’s kept coming back occasionally to annoy Liam. Well, officially, to ‘consult with the Pack’, but the shit-eating grin on his face every time he manages to piss Liam off belies his true intentions. Liam _knows_. Yet, there’s something about Theo that makes Liam crave his presence.

He’s still not pining, though. Theo’s just… he’s just _Theo_.

“Mason, I don’t support this.” Corey repeats himself more firmly this time, and Liam internally sings his praises. “But, Liam, they _have_ got a point.”

Okay, never mind. Corey can go join the other two in a ditch.

“You’re letting this thing in too deep.” Nolan offers his (unwanted, unnecessary) two cents, “Just…I dunno, get it out of your system?”

Leave it to Nolan to suggest something like an actual question.

“Okay.” Liam says, deciding to humor these fools. “And how am I supposed to do that?”

“Confess.” Corey says, and Liam finally finds himself on the same page as Mason and Alec as the three of them gape incredulously at him.

“ _Confess?!_ ” Mason screeches as quietly as he can, “Are you _insane_?”

Corey looks at him weirdly. “No?”

Alec’s shaking his head.

“Look, Liam.” He starts carefully—which is funny, he usually has zero tact—as he looks Liam in the eye. “You might have to do that eventually, I’m not gonna deny it. But, we need to make sure there’s _no way_ he’ll reject you.”

Nolan’s frowning, looking like he doesn’t like where this is going. Liam’s honestly on the same page.

“Oh my god.” Mason looks happy, which sends alarm bells ringing in Liam’s head. “Are you saying what I _think_ you’re saying?”

Alec nods, and Corey groans when he finally gets what they’re talking about. Liam’s just confused, honestly.

“You’re going to seduce the _shit_ out of him.” Alec announces cheerfully.

Liam’s heart drops. There’s no way this is a good idea.


	2. stage one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first step: pick-up lines, coached by mason.

“This is a terrible idea.” Liam finds it necessary to point out. Is his heart pumping too fast? Yep, His heart is pumping too fast.

They’re at a Pack Meeting, which is the only reason Theo’s come back to Beacon Hills. It’s also the reason for Liam’s potential demise.

Mason cackles.

“And, seriously, stop laughing.” He adds, brow ticking, “You’re being _really_ creepy, dude.”

“Sorry.” Fucking _liar_ — Liam can hear the skip in his heart. “But seriously man, you got this.”

“I’m sorry, but _this_ is your bright idea?” Liam protests obligatorily; his cheeks flame at the thought of what he’s about to do. “I don’t want to _embarrass_ myself in front of him like a total idiot.”

“I mean…” Mason trails off, but when Liam just looks at him blankly, he hedges, “You kinda already do, dude.”

“I thought you were my friend.” Liam says miserably, not wanting to look at Mason’s stupid, dumb, honest face anymore. “Go away.”

“I am your friend.” Mason nods sagely, “Which is why I’m here. To force you into doing things you clearly don’t want to.”

“Literally no friend ever does that.” Liam points out, trying to back away slowly, before Theo notices he’s there. “Just let me _go_!”

“They’re not true friends!” Mason says cheerily, before shoving Liam towards where Theo’s standing in the corner, bored. “Now, go do me proud, my protégé!”

Liam is so done.

He trips over his feet anyway as he makes his way to the chimera, trying to keep his heartbeat under control, nice and relaxed. Nope, Theo’s not going to notice him until it’s too late and he can’t escape; there’s no way Liam’s going to spiral into panic and do questionably stupid, reckless things that threaten his self-preservation and—

“Hey Little Wolf.”

Liam’s head is about to combust, and Theo’s just said three words to him. He looks unfairly pretty today, by the way, Liam doesn’t approve. Except, well, he _does_ , because just _look_ at those muscles rippling under that shirt, the poor thing’s probably having a tough time holding them in. Black is seriously Theo’s color, and Liam’s starting to realize he’s being a creep.

“H-Hey.” He forces a smile onto his lips, trying not to look like a dying rat with existential problems but, judging by Theo’s frown, he’s not doing so well.

“Are you okay?” The older boy furrows his brow, lips pursing as he stares at Liam; _he can’t do this, abort mission, call the men in white to take him away NOW before he does something even worse_. “You’re being weird.”

“No, I’m not.” Liam replies automatically and, from over Theo’s shoulder, sees Mason sending him his _stop-being-a-goddamn-idiot_ look. “I just….”

“Yeah?” Theo looks unfairly good with his eyebrow cocked like that. He looks this good all the time, really.

“Do you like raisins?” Liam blurts out, because why the fuck not, brain.

“I…guess?” Honestly, Liam’s just surprised Theo hasn’t punched him in the face. He usually does.

“Well, I don’t. But, you know what I’d like better?” Theo’s brow furrows as he undoubtedly picks up on Liam’s escalated heartbeat and _holy shit he’s actually doing this, and it better work_ , “A date.”

Fuck. He actually said it. Liam’s brain combusts internally.

Theo’s eyebrow arches, unimpressed. If he weren’t so fucking embarrassed— _screw you, Mason_ —Liam’d punch the older boy in his stupid, perfect, face. That he also wants to kiss.

 _God_ , his life is hard. Stupid brain can’t ever make up its mind and when it does, it _has_ to be fixated on the one person who’d rather slip a can of slugs down his underwear than go out with him. Or something.

“That was disgusting.” Theo comments like he knows what Liam’s thinking and, anyway, _wow_ that’s rude; just because Liam doesn’t like it doesn’t mean it’s okay to point out its flaws. “Honestly, Baby Wolf, who set you up to this?”

“No one!” Liam insists, even though it’d be _so much easier_ to shove this off onto someone else. Then again, he can’t exactly tell him the truth, because that’d be disastrous and, also, Liam’s brain likes to find ways to get him metaphorically (and literally) killed. “I like puns!”

And, again, because Liam’s a fan of digging himself bigger holes, he adds. “But I also like _you_.”

“What.”

And now, it’s time for Liam’s stupid brain to take over, with Rule Number One of the Guide to Liam’s Fried Brain. When in panic, do exactly what causes the panic in the first place! Because, clearly, that makes sense.

“If you were a Transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine!”

“Uh—”

“If you were a fruit, you’d be a _fineapple_.”

“Oi, Liam—”

“Oh, oh! If you were a McDonald’s burger, you’d be Mc _Gorgeous_.”

“ _Liam!_ ”

“ _What?_ ”

Theo stares at him. Liam stares back. This _probably_ isn’t going to end well. World, it was nice knowing you.

‘ _Mom, Dad,_ ’ Liam finds it necessary to think, ‘ _I loved you guys. Also, don’t sell my PS4, else I’ll haunt you.’_

Having thought his final words, Liam returns to the problem at hand and awaits Judgement.

“Those really sucked,” The chimera’s lips are twitching—well, at least he isn’t punching him—and he crosses his arms.

Liam replies with affront because that’s just how things work, and he also wants to deny reality for as long as physically possible.

“Oh really?” He narrows his eyes. “Like you could do any better.”

“Is that a challenge?” Theo’s lips—those pretty, pretty lips—curve into a smirk that Liam wants to punch off his face. Aggressively. With his mouth. He’s really in deep, isn’t he.

“Maybe.” Liam stands his ground, even as his weak, pathetic heart cries.

And that’s how it turns into a competition of who can dish out the cringiest pick-up lines. Liam obviously wins with ‘ _are you a fart? ‘coz you blew me away_ ’ and, despite whatever Theo might say, his doesn’t compare.

(seriously, though: ‘ _hey babe, wanna see my baby elephant?_ ’ That doesn’t even make sense? Theo's not actually as funny as he thinks he is, though Liam could really just listen to his voice all day and yes, he realizes he sounds like a lovesick fool.)

 

xx

 

By the end of the night, Mason isn’t pleased, needless to say. In fact, he’s steaming more than a box of dumplings, and that's saying something. Liam _would_ run away, but he’s supposed to be the werewolf here, fearless and all that. Still, though, the door’s _right_ behind him; it’s _very_ tempting, let’s be clear here.

“You had _one_ job.” Mason says, unbelievably slowly. Liam changes his mind. He’s running. Mason’s being _really_ scary right now.

There’s a lot of heavy breathing involved. And screaming, mostly from Mason’s end (read: Liam, in terror). But he thinks he’s lost him—can’t even scent Mason around— so he must be in the clear! Yay!

It’s only when he’s standing a few blocks away from the house, shivering as he watches his breath puff in front of his lips, that he remembers Mason’s his ride home.

Fuck his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sob*
> 
> next [01/11/18]: corey and liam talk about body language. well, corey tries, anyway.


	3. stage two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> corey helps out! ...or, at least, he tries to :'(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance if this sucks. I'm also trying to move this fic into a more serious (?) line of thought so, this chapter onward, less about the funnies and more about the feels. I hope.
> 
> That being said, enjoy!

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Corey groans, cocoa eyes filled with pain. Liam’s inclined to agree.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this _to me_.” He corrects, just to make his thoughts about this clear. “What’s he got on you, anyway, why’re you doing this?”

The ‘ _to me_ ’ here is silent because Liam doesn’t believe in repetition unless it’s absolutely necessary. Which it’s not.

Corey looks at him like Liam’s sprouted the head of the Hydra. Which, now that he thinks about it, would be pretty badass. Also ugly but, again: _badass_. Like one of those cool demigods, or one of those hybrid races from this sick RPG he and Mason have started playing recently—

“He’s my boyfriend.” Corey breaks that lovely illusion with words from reality. Liam kind of hates him now. But he’s Corey, so that’s basically impossible. How about… huh, maybe _intensely (and temporarily) dislikes_? That sounds loads better already, Liam can really be a genius sometimes. If only this genius would come out in certain life-or-death situations—like talking to Theo, for example.

“Liam.” Corey’s voice is flat, and Liam’s attention quickly snaps back to him. “Were you even listening to me?”

He smiles his most innocent smile, complete with wide eyes.

“Yeah.” He waves it off with fake gusto. “Touch his arm, get real close, blah, blah.”

“What?” Corey looks stricken, “No, that’s not what I—”

“Get close enough so he won’t doubt my intentions, maybe fall into his lap.” Liam brushes aside Corey’s complaints with blissful ignorance. “Relax, I got this.”

Corey plants his face into his pillow and screams.

 

xx

 

Liam, admittedly, does _not_ ‘got this’. In fact, Liam has so _not got this_ that he’s willing to duck into a toilet and do the hunters a favor by drowning in it.

Theo’s sitting across from him, wearing all black ( _again, like a true sex god_ , his brain finds it necessary to point out), and is scrolling through his phone like one usually does when one is an innocent bystander; essentially, he’s totally unsuspecting of Liam’s intentions. And, yeah, okay, Liam’s making himself sound like a sex offender so he should probably just quit it.

 _Mind_ , Liam thinks, _Quit it._

But it’s easier said than done.

“So, uh…” Liam winces as his voice cracks, but smoothens out his expression when Theo looks up, eyebrow lifting. “Uh….”

“Is there something you want to tell me, or are you just going to sit there with your mouth hanging open all day?” Theo snarks.

_No, nothing’s really going on, I mean. I’m just madly in love with you and I want to hold hands, and kiss you, and touch your abs, and actually be able to look at you without feeling like the World’s Biggest Creeper. Normal stuff._

Yeah, no, that’s not happening.

“Did you know male spiders have a unique touch?” Liam blurts out. Guide to Liam’s Fried Brain, Rule Number Two: let your mouth run when you’re in a moment of peril.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Theo says, brow furrowed. “You’re being weird again.”

“No, no, listen.” Liam insists, because he’s going down with this ship, apparently. “So, like, you know how female spiders get all on in your face and eat you when you get caught in their web?”

“I’m not a fly, Liam, so I wouldn’t know—”

“Male spiders send special vibrations along the web so the female knows it’s them!” Liam says cheerfully. He gets out his phone, thanking the high heavens that he saves random, obscure videos to it, “Here, lemme show you.”

“I actually don’t want to see a random spider’s mating dance.” Theo’s eyes are slightly wide, but Liam pushes the phone into his hands, taking special care to brush his fingers past Theo’s warm ones. He stares expectantly at Theo’s face for a few moments, looking for his reaction, when the boy finally speaks up. “Uh, Liam?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know if you know this,” Theo says slowly, “But people generally require the function of certain parts of their body.”

“I study biology, of course I know!” Liam hums, blissfully unaware. Warmth is always nice.

“ _So_.” Theo stresses, cheeks lightly pink and looking absolutely _gorgeous_ to Liam’s inner self. “Let go of my hand, maybe?”

“Oh.” Liam says, staring at the intertwined fingers. He doesn’t really _want_ to let go.

“Yeah.” Theo says uncomfortably and, after a few more beats of Liam just sitting there and staring pathetically, huffs in exasperation. “You’re being dumber than usual, _Christ_ – just – let go!”

He manages to tug his hand away and Liam inwardly wallows while dying of embarrassment. Normal things, really.

“Do you actually want to watch the mating dance?” Liam offers weakly, “I think I have one of the Peacock Spider, if you’re interested—”

“No,” Theo cuts him short, looking pale as he watches the spider string along on screen. “Just. No. Let’s leave.”

“Okay!” Liam brightens because Theo said ‘ _let us_ ’ and he _sorta_ wants to take Theo’s hand again so he suggests, “How about a movie?”

“You’re paying.” It’s flat, not even a question, but Liam nods anyway with a beaming grin. “Okay then, I guess we’re going to the cinema.”

Liam’s plan is flawless. Go watch a horror movie, get Theo frightened enough to hold his hand and maybe cuddle. After that, there’s _no way_ Theo wouldn’t look at him with heart eyes. Obviously.

Except, this is Liam’s life we’re talking about. Nothing ever goes to plan. _Ever_. Honestly, he doesn’t know why he thought it’d work. There’s also the fact that he conveniently chooses to ignore that he’s _terrified_ of everything remotely  _close_ to resembling horror. Even vampires freak him out, which is weird now that he thinks about it, y'know, considering he’s a werewolf and has actually been around the Anuk-Ite. Whatever. That's not the point.

The  _point_ is: when the jump scare pops up? It’s not Theo who screams, it’s _Liam_. And when the main character’s girlfriend’s toad gets possessed, it’s _Liam_ who knocks over his popcorn with terror writ on his face. He’s also the one who hides his face in Theo’s comfortable hoodie when the ghost-demon hybrid makes its final, damning appearance.

For the sake of his pride, Liam pretends Theo isn’t laughing at him and is, instead, having a strange combination of an asthma attack and a hiccup fest. He feels slightly victorious, though, when Theo’s hand eventually comes to rest in his hair, occasionally carding through it; especially when more screams manage to claw their way out of the speakers and the chimera figures he needs more comforting.

Okay, so maybe this isn’t a _complete_ failure. It’s definitely managed to work out better than the last plan—Liam can still feel the phantom bruises decorating his butt from Mason’s foot—so that’s a definite plus! Corey isn’t gonna sic Mason or Alec on him, and Liam can live to see another day. Hurrah.

Hopefully, the next plan, whatever it is, will turn out just as fine, if not better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to avoid my life responsibilities. Is it working? No, not really.


	4. interlude: le plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the puppy pack has a quick meeting before their plan to abandon liam to the dogs.
> 
> aka
> 
> they discuss the UST because it's a real problem, ok?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad I managed to write this chapter a little while ago, so have a little positivity today ^^ Enjoy!

“Alright, so, Step Three.” Alec grins, clapping his hands together. Liam just looks at him with dread, “We’ve gotta up the ante.”

“What do you mean?” Liam asks dryly, already fearing the worst. “I swear to god, Alec, if this turns out like the time you stuffed the animal crackers in Nolan’s socks—”

“SO, WHAT I MEAN IS!” Alec shouts over him to cover up his shame as Nolan frowns and mutters ‘ _what?_ ’—Liam doesn’t care, he’s going to expose him one day, “We're working with the UST.”

“ _Dude_.” Mason smiles slowly, scarily.

“ _Dude_.” Alec says back in an equally terrifying voice. Liam regrets the day the two of them started getting along, honestly, and Corey looks two seconds away from bashing both of them on the heads. Liam personally thinks he should go for it. But, back to more important matters—

“What the fuck does that even mean?” Liam stares blankly.

“ _No_.” Nolan protests, sock fiasco forgotten; his eyes are wide, horrified. “Alec! No!”

“Alec, _yes_!” Mason claps excitedly. The fact that this is an 18 year old acting like a child on Christmas Day concerns Liam. Corey groans from next to him, hands fisting in his hair.

“What’s going on?” Liam starts to fear for himself at this point, honestly.

“UST.” Corey sighs, hands still buried in his hair. “Unresolved Sexual Tension.”

“ _No_.” Liam bursts into flame, turning pleading eyes to Mason and Alec. “Guys, _no_.”

“You’ve lured him in with the cutesy act,” Alec nods seriously, entirely disregarding Liam’s plea; he doesn’t know why he even tried. “So it’s time to drop it. You’ve got to make yourself seem _sexually_ appealing too.”

“But the UST is already un-freaking-believable!” Nolan interjects, looking two seconds away from hyperventilating. Liam might find it comical if he weren’t in the same boat. “I’ll lose my mind if I see any more of it!”

“That’s exactly the _point_!” Mason grins brilliantly at Alec. “Dude, you’re amazing!”

“No.” Corey cuts in flatly. “No, you are _not_ amazing. Nothing _about_ this is amazing.”

How about their stupidity? That’s seriously amazing, and Liam can vouch personally for it.

“You guys are crazy.” He decides, making them give him betrayed looks. “Not Corey and Nolan. _You two_.”

Now, he’s just got half the looks. Liam can deal with that, because they don’t deserve his compassion anyway.

“Skeptics.” Alec mumbles in disbelief, as Mason sighs heavily, “What can you do.”

“I’m _allowed_ to be skeptical of this plan, especially if it involves _me_!” Liam bursts out. “Everything about this plan is shady! EVERYTHING!”

“Not too loud!” Nolan hisses, shoving Liam slightly to get his attention, “My mom’s gonna flip if she knows we’re still awake!”

“Well, _I’m_ about to flip so how about we think of a new plan.” Liam’s eyes glow threateningly, and he feels extremely insulted when Mason’s the only one who looks even remotely fearful.

Alec looks at him, unimpressed. “Yeah, no.”

“Well too bad.” Liam informs him, crossing his arms. He’s going to stand firm this time. “This isn’t happening.”

 

xx

 

“Why is this happening?” Liam whines, as Corey double checks his outfit. “I can’t breathe in this thing!”

“Be grateful we didn’t put you in all leather.” Alec says dangerously, a permanent smile affixed to his lips. “Now _that_ would’ve had him jumping you—”

“There are _children_ present!” Nolan interjects. “Namely me! _I’m_ present!”

“Aw, babe.” Alec grins disarmingly at him, “You’re _far_ from a child. Believe me, I’d know.”

Nolan’s cheeks burst to life, and Mason gives an appreciative hum.

“Now _that’s_ how it works.” He lets out.

Liam and Corey stare at him incredulously.

“You want me say suggestive things to his _face_?” Liam exclaims, while Corey mutters disbelievingly. “How come _you_ never say stuff like that?”

Liam glares at Corey with the intensity of a hundred suns.

“I can’t believe you, traitor.” He spits out, and Corey gives him a half-shrug, skin flushing lightly.

“I have needs too.” He mutters and Mason’s eyes start going soft and _no,_ Liam’s got to stop them right there before they actually start boning in the room or something and _ugh, that’s disgusting, thanks for the mental imagery, Brain_.

“Can we get back to the matter at hand, please?” Liam asks, voice pitching a little as he races against the clock to stop what is literally about to become an orgy or something. “Theo’s coming in less than 10 minutes, and nothing’s ready!”

“Au contraire.” Alec butchers the phrase, but Liam doesn’t even try to point it out; he’s given up on everything else, why would this be any different? “We’ve got pizza, movies and a crap ton of shitty lighting to set the mood.”

“None of those apply to ‘sexiness’.” Liam’s kind of embarrassed at the words coming out of his mouth, but his soul has reached maximum deadness so he can’t even react accordingly. “Let’s just get this over with. Get out, and let me die in peace.”

“Uh, no.” Mason shakes his head, and Liam looks at him quizzically. “We’re not going anywhere.”

“What.”

“Yeah.” Corey shrugs apologetically at him, and Liam looks away because _damn those puppy eyes_. The others _always_ sic Corey on him when they need favors or something and it’s _unfair_. “Liam! Liam, look at me.”

“I’m not falling for your tricks!” Liam yells, staying strong even in times of peril. "Begone!"

“Why are you such a dork?” Nolan sighs to himself. “You look like a jock, even _act_ like a jock, but the second you open your mouth, you’re a major _dweeb_.”

“Well,” Liam rears up, affronted because that’s incredibly _rude_ , especially coming from the human personification of a flobberworm, “Your _face_ is a major—”

He freezes when he hears distinctive footfalls.

“Theo’s here.” He breathes out, heart hammering furiously against his chest. “Guys, I’m not ready for this—”

“You’ll be fine!” Mason finally decides to be helpful, patting Liam’s back encouragingly. It…actually doesn’t really do much. Liam’s cool with Mason going back to being a hermit crab or something, honestly, because this isn't help, this is a _joke_.

“Yeah,” Alec agrees. “Just don’t do the usual thing, and you should be okay.”

“What usual thing?”

“Y’know,” Alec nods sagely. “When he talks to you, _don’t_ look at him with stars in your eyes. It’s kinda creepy.”

“Why don’t you ever tell me this kind of stuff in the first place!” Liam tries not to scream because Theo can probably hear them and _whoops, there’s the doorbell_ , “Guys, I’m gonna _die_!”

“You’ll be fine.” Alec assures him, while Corey and Nolan give him their most adorable smiles. “We’ll see how it turns out, but I’m fairly confident of your success.”

Liam stares at him helplessly. Alec stares back, before he adds, with a slightly crazed smile. “And, don’t worry: I _will_ be watching.”

Corey sighs heavily, and Liam gives up on pretending he's okay. He's so totally fucked that it's not even funny anymore.

"If this goes south, it's on you." Liam bites his lip, tries not to cry. Alec rolls his eyes and it's confirmed: he's the first one on Liam's hit list. That bitch is gonna _die_.

"Just go." Nolan mutters. "Leave me in peace."

Amen to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It might take me a little bit to be able to write the next chapter. I hope you guys don't mind waiting, and I'm sorry in advance!


	5. stage 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam embarrasses himself. Multiple times.

“So.” Theo doesn’t even look at Liam when he opens the door, simply brushing past him and rubbing at his arms. Liam feels like the brazen entrance is kind of unnecessary—oh wait, no, that might be because Theo was waiting outside for at least 10 minutes while Liam was busy having a breakdown. Okay, so the cold shoulder might be deserved.

Heh. _Cold_ shoulder _._

“So?” Liam remembers to actually answer him this time.

“Why’re you going to die?”

Liam hopes he hasn’t turned as red as he thinks. Of _course_ Theo heard the one incriminating sentence. Liam might die of embarrassment right now; but, obviously, he can’t exactly waltz up to Theo and tell him the reason why.

“Schoolwork.” He says, giving himself a mental pat on the back for his quick save. Damn Dunbar, you’re really kicking things up! All that’s left is not making a fool of yourself for the rest of the night!

Easier said than done, really.

“Right.” Theo gives him the most sarcastic smirk Liam’s ever seen; and, considering that Liam’s known Theo for a while now, that’s saying something. “See, that’d be convincing, but I know for a fact that you’re on break, Dunbar.”

“Yeah, well—”

“I can also hear your heartbeat.”

Liam flounders when his retort is cut off, but he recovers quickly.

“Does that mean you keep an ear out for it?” He asks in a breath, essentially cementing his place in Mason and Alec’s stupid plan.

“What?” Theo says, and Liam hears him stumble slightly. “Fuck, why didn’t you turn on the lights?”

Oh, right. Liam kind of forgot Theo probably can’t see anything with the living room lights turned off. There’s a problem here, though. If Liam turns on the lights, the atmosphere dies. If Liam _doesn’t_ turn on the lights, then wearing these stupid leather pants would’ve been for nothing!

Liam’s legs twitch feebly in agreement.

There’s also the fact that they could potentially trip over something and die untimely deaths, but that’s kind of secondary at this point. Liam thinks he could survive that, and Theo’s certainly proved his resilience.

“I _will_.” He manages to say without stuttering. “But you didn’t answer me.”

“What d’you mean?” He can hear the genuine confusion in the chimera’s voice; and _gosh_ , Liam thought he was slow but then there’s Theo! If Liam were a turtle, Theo would be a snail. Or a sloth. Is there something slower than a sloth? Liam should ask Deaton sometime. Or maybe Mason? His best friend’s basically a walking encyclopedia anyway. But then again, physical capacity is pretty different from the mental department so—

“ _Liam_?”

“Right, I’m here!” He laughs nervously, feeling like the world’s biggest doofus as he gropes the wall for the light switch. “And I… I meant, do you actively listen for my heart? Because that’s… _adorable_ , really.”

Liam cannot believe he’s said that. Famous last words, really.

_Here Lies Liam DuMbar_

_World Class Idiot_

_Death by non-existent filter_

“What.”

Theo’s voice is flat, and this is around the time Liam panics and quickly decides to flip the light switch on. Only, the actual lights… don’t turn on. That’s it, his life is rigged. This has got to be some sort of cosmic joke or something, because there’s no way his shitty luck could be _this_ shitty without some higher forces at play or something.

Liam casts his eyes up accusingly, only to drop them when he realizes he’s essentially staring at his ceiling. Cosmic rats probably don’t exist, so there’s no point in doing this.

“Uh, so.” He moves quickly, so Theo doesn’t have the opportunity to peck at him like a ravenous vulture or something. “The lights… aren’t working.”

“What?” There’s a little more emotion in the chimera’s voice this time, so that’s… that’s definitely an improvement. Right? “The kitchen light’s working perfectly fine!”

“Yeah, but this one isn’t!” Liam insists, honestly insulted that Theo thinks he’s faking it or something. Like, seriously: Liam knows he’s desperate, but that doesn’t mean _everyone_ needs to point out just how much.

“So, does that mean the movie’s off?” Theo sounds kind of hopeful, actually, and _ouch_ , that kind of hurts.

“No.” Liam scowls, and he doesn’t think as he pushes against Theo’s chest, essentially manhandling him onto the couch. “Stay here, and don’t move.”

Is it weird that Theo’s chest is really warm? Wait, no, that’s how it’s supposed to be _ugh_ , it’d be creepy if Theo were cold. That would be vampiric and, while Corey seems to like the idea of a vampire romance, that doesn’t mean Liam does.

“Yeah, I got the message.” Theo’s voice sounds oddly…embarrassed? “So could you...back off, a little?”

Liam blinks, and realizes his hands are still pressed firmly to the chimera’s chest. His cheeks burst into flame as he quickly retreats, blustering apologies bubbling from his lips.

“Lemme check if the TV works!” He squeaks, nearly tripping over himself to do that and finding, to his immense relief, that it _is_ , in fact, functioning. So maybe the universe _doesn’t_ hate him. “Kay, I’m putting on the movie and I don’t care what you say!”

“No problem, thanks for asking.” Liam can practically _hear_ the eye roll there, which is… not actually that surprising. Seriously, if Theo could have one super power, he’d probably choose the power to physically manifest distaste or judgment or something.

Liam sighs deeply like he is wont to every time he’s around the older boy, before he turns to go join Theo on the couch. But, uh… remember the part where he thinks the universe doesn’t hate him?

Yeah, neither does he.

Why? Because, like everything else in Liam’s sad, pathetic, _miserable_ little life, he has to go botch this up too. He actually trips over thin air, because being a werewolf apparently doesn’t cover clumsiness and bad luck, and goes flailing down on Theo.

A couple of beats pass with the two of them frozen; Theo, with mortification rolling off him, and Liam with his face pressed uncomfortably close to Theo’s crotch.

Where are the Skinwalkers when he needs them? That’d be less torturous than whatever _this_ is supposed to be.

“Oh my god.” Liam’s horrified and nearly falls over himself getting up. Theo still hasn’t said anything, which only makes this so much _worse_ and—

Liam gets caught on Theo’s leg and goes crashing down…onto Theo’s lap.

_Whoever said there’s no way to go but up…is a liar._

“This is embarrassing.” He says, after a moment of them sitting in complete silence. Liam hasn’t been dislodged from Theo’s lap, and he doesn’t intend to point anything out.

“Nothing new for you, huh?” Theo snarks, though his voice is a little pitched and _could it be_? Nah, Liam doesn’t think so.

“Shut up.” He moves to get off.

Liam nearly loses his shit, though, when Theo’s hands settle quickly over his hips. His mind is broadcasting _so hard_ right now:

_OH MY GOD HE’S TOUCHING ME THERE IS SKIN CONTACT SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT_

“Are these… are you wearing leather pants?” Theo says slowly, and Liam’s heartrate begins approaching critical levels.

“Uh.” He answers and then, because he’s the Lord of Idiots, adds, “I dunno, you tell me.”

Now that the movie’s playing, Liam can actually see the light dance over Theo’s features; his cheeks, the bridge of his nose and his pursed lips. Which also means he can make out the expression he’s wearing.

Theo looks at him like he’s stupid. Which is basically his expression nearly 90% of the time, Liam knows, but that’s not the point.

“Seriously?” Theo’s grip grows tight, and it makes Liam shift uncomfortably against him, “Oh my – _stop_ _moving_!”

“Sorry!” He squeaks out, and Theo shakes his head, moving from underneath him until all Liam has touching him is the cold, comfortable couch.

“You’re such an idiot.” Theo rolls his eyes, snuggling into the corner of the couch and _no, bad Theo, you’re supposed to be here, in Liam’s arms_.

Liam knows how cringe his inner voice is but there’s nothing he can do about it.

“Why do you _always_ sass me?” Liam grumbles to himself, hand itching to move towards Theo’s warmth.

“I wouldn’t need to sass you in the first place if you’d just pay a little attention.” Theo gives him that smug little smile of his that usually has Liam’s heart doing flips, stretches, splits—you name it. But this time, Liam’s got to turn the tables.

It’s time for _Theo’s_ heart to suffer from the FeelsTM.

Theo stiffens at the sight of the smirk on Liam’s lips; _good_ , Liam thinks vindictively, _because he should know how it feels_. Honestly, it’s _so hard_ for Liam to stay focused when Theo’s lips curve like that. Like, he’ll be in the middle of punching the shit out of a hunter—really fun, by the way, 10/10 would recommend—and Theo’d be kicking some dude in the gut with that shitty smirk on his face and Liam would just. Drop everything and stare, heart nearing critical levels that a heart should _never_ aspire to reach.

Liam’s ashamed to admit it’s happened a lot. He can’t even count the instances on his fingers anymore. If he had to be more specific—

“I didn’t know you wanted my attention.” Liam forces the words from his lips, but they actually come easier than he thought they would. “All you had to do was ask.”

Theo’s eyes widen, like he can’t believe Liam said that. Oh yeah, bitch, you’re going _down_. Liam isnt standing down for noth—

“Really?” He’s not prepared for Theo to worm his way over, so that he can feel the chimera’s warmth leeching into his skin, breath ghosting along his scalp. “Well, I’ll keep that in mind the next time a hunter asks for you.”

“You bitch ass _hoe_.” Theo gasps as Liam pushes him back, eyes glowing as he stares him down. “Literally, _why_ do you always need to go ruining everything?!”

“Lan-guage,” Theo still manages to say as Liam’s squeezing his throat, before a smirk creeps up his lips. “And I don’t think there’s anything _left_ to ruin—”

Oh, _fuck_ this, honestly. Fuck Alec, fuck Mason, and _fuck this stupid plan_.

“That’s what _you_ think, you impertinent _asshole_.” He growls, before his eyes drop to Theo’s lips, colored pale pink in the dim light. It's time.

And then, he does it. Holy _shit_ , he does it.

Liam kisses Theo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was dumbness. also, trying to accelerate towards the main point (read: CONFESSION TIME!!!)
> 
> The next chapter's definitely going to be more feels-y than comedic, just a heads up!


	6. confession day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it happens.

Theo punches Liam.

Liam actually gets knocked off the couch with the force of the chimera’s blow—whoever said chimeras are weaker than werewolves is a _liar_. Theo might not be as strong as Liam, thanks to his IED, but he can sure pack a punch.

Liam could be doing a million things right now; jogging with (or _past_ ) Mason, watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives with Nolan or even just punching the shit out of Alec. But nope, Liam’s not doing that. That’s literally the _farthest_ thing from what Liam’s doing.

Liam’s sitting on his shitty couch, nursing his aching jaw and bleeding heart.

This was a stupid idea. Liam never should’ve gone along with this plan, shouldn’t have jeopardized and put everything on the line for this. He should’ve been happy with just being tentative friends with Theo; he shouldn’t have gone and gotten his hopes up because, this?

This _hurts_.

“What was that for?” Theo finally speaks, breaking Liam from his thoughts. The chimera isn’t looking at him, and Liam feels an inexplicable twinge of irritation resonate in him at the obvious avoidance.

“What?” He asks testily, anger coming easily to the forefront of his mind. Normally, Liam drowns it out by thinking the randomest thoughts, almost convincing _himself_ of his lunacy, but… not right now. Liam can’t even summon that suspiciously Mason-esque inner voice any more, not after this. “The part where you punched me?”

Theo stiffens, but looks up finally. His eyes are cold, blank… and that just makes Liam all the more furious. His fingers twitch.

“The part where you…” The older boy looks conflicted for a brief moment, before it’s quickly wiped away. “The part where you _kissed_ _me_.”

The last few words are said, softly, almost disbelievingly. Like Theo can’t seem to grasp that Liam actually went and did that and, _okay_ , maybe Liam _isn’t_ who he wants, but: does it really warrant this kind of reaction?

“I dunno Theo,” Liam scowls at him, not bothering to mask his rage any longer. The anger is always easier to deal with than the pain, anyway. “Why do people _normally_ kiss each other?”

“Well, that’s obviously _not_ the reason why you did it!” Theo fires back, unshakeable resolve caving for those sharp words. “You’re not being funny, simple as.”

“I’m not _trying_ to be!” Liam stands up, hands shaking as he tries not to let instinct guide his hands into doing something much more destructive, “For fuck’s sake, I wouldn’t _kiss_ you for no reason—”

“Yeah, well, I can’t believe it either.” Theo’s voice is deadly quiet, and Liam turns to face him. The other brunette is standing up too, though he isn’t meeting Liam’s eyes again, staring hard down at the bare floor. “I would’ve thought that, after all this time…”

The chimera cuts himself off, before shaking his head.

“Whatever.” He says, moving towards the door, “I’ll just get out of your hair—”

Liam doesn’t wait for him to finish the sentence, hand shooting out to grab Theo’s wrist, tugging him back around.

“You don’t get to do this.” He seethes, “You don’t get to say something like that and just _leave_. That’s _not_ how this works.”

“What more do you want from me?!” Theo demands, quiet countenance evaporating as he tugs his hand free, “Why aren’t you ever satisfied?”

“With _what_?” Liam wants to rip his hair out, just so that he doesn’t accidentally slash up something, or some _one_ , instead.

“You’ve played your joke and I fell for it!” Theo finally bursts out, shoving Liam back. He’s prepared for it, though, so it doesn’t get him far.

That’s when Theo’s words sink in, though.

“What?” Liam falters, voice lowering; his fury starts to diminish as he meets Theo’s eyes, sees the cracks behind the green of his eyes. “You… you actually think I’m _joking_?”

“Aren’t you?” Theo fires back, eyes stony.

“No?” Liam’s confused now, more than anything else, and even though the anger pulses under his skin, ready to erupt again, he holds it back. “What could have _possibly_ made you think that?”

Theo regards him for a beat, evaluating the sincerity in his eyes, though his expression doesn’t change. Liam… doesn’t know how to feel about that.

“Heartbeats.” He says coldly, voice flat, “Upstairs.”

Liam’s eyes fly wide open in shock, at that. He…actually forgot that the rest of the Puppy Pack’s here. Honestly, he forgot they didn’t let him make them leave, he’s so _dumb_ sometimes.

And _this_ is precisely why no one, except Theo, should do the planning.

“They’re…” He flounders for words but, then again, he’s never been good with them anyway; his fingers press against Theo’s to lift them up with steely resolve, “Forget them. They’re dumb anyway.”

“What?” Confusion fills Theo’s eyes, and he half-heartedly tugs at his hand. Liam whole-heartedly holds on.

“Forget them.” Liam says again, hope filling his chest that, maybe— _just maybe_ — this is all just a misunderstanding. That…that Theo maybe _does_ like him back. “Just…here.”

He rests Theo’s palm against his chest, watching as the chimera’s eyes widen in surprise.

“I wasn’t pranking you.” He says honestly, letting his heartbeat speak of his resolve. It must be rabbiting away, but it’s reflective of his words, his feelings. “I… really like you, Theo.”

Theo isn’t saying anything, eyes still wide and unfocused, like he isn’t looking _at_ Liam but rather _through_ him.

Worry spikes Liam’s heart, and he gulps nervously. Did the chimera… misunderstand again?

“When I say _like_ ,” He blurts out worriedly—the anger is, by now, almost completely gone, paving the way for his mental processes to kickstart again, “I mean like-like. As in, I really _like-like_ you. _More-than-friends-like_.”

Theo _still_ isn’t saying anything.

“I mean, no pressure!” Liam’s voice pitches, as the silence drags on, “I’m totally okay with whatever you want dude, I mean, I don’t want you to feel awkward about this and I really value our friendship so please don’t hate me, I’ll—”

“Liam.” Theo interrupts, and everything shuts down. His brain goes mute again when he sees a slow, almost shy smile begin to curve on the chimera’s lips. “I…”

The chimera looks at a loss for words, so Liam decides to be patient for _once_ in his life, because this could be _it_ , and his stupid brain isn’t going to _ruin_ everything, damn it.

He isn’t expecting for Theo to grab him by the face, though, and press their lips together again. It lasts for hardly five seconds, but it’s enough.

“I… didn’t really know how to say it?” Theo chuckles nervously as Liam’s brain fizzles out, sparks bouncing around in his skull, “And you seemed to like doing that anyway, so I thought it’d be fitting –hey, Liam? Are you even listening? Oi, Little Wolf, don’t die on me here.”

“Holy _shit_.” Liam breathes out, and Theo raises an eyebrow at him quizzically.

He doesn’t elaborate, pulling Theo back down to kiss him again. And again. And again. Until they’re breathing hard, and their lips are red and puffy and kiss-bruised.

“Wow.” Liam’s mind is spinning, and he collapses back onto the couch. “ _Wowowow_.”

“Right.” Theo looks quizzically at him, though he doesn’t hide the fondness seeping into his smile and he looks genuinely happy for the first time today; and, _gosh,_ Liam can finally stare at him without feeling like a total creep, so that’s a major win! “You know your friends basically just heard us making out, right?”

“Let them eat cake.” Liam answers pompously, still coming off the high from finally being able to _kiss_ _Theo Raeken_ and actually living to tell the tale. His nose then wrinkles as he mulls over his words, “Let them… hear noises?”

“Shut up.” Theo pans out, and settles next to Liam so that their shoulders touch. “Wait, so for the past week…”

“I…” Liam’s cheeks burn. “I was… trying to get your attention?”

“You mean _seduce_.” Theo corrects disbelievingly. “You were trying to actually _seduce_ me.”

“It wasn’t my idea!” Liam whines, head flopping back and dropping onto Theo’s shoulder, “It was stupid Alec’s plan.”

Theo starts cracking up, and Liam doesn’t even have the breath to protest.

“You –you—oh _fuck_!” Theo actually full out _laughs_ , making Liam’s face start to match the state of his poor cheeks. Red, like an apple. Or a firetruck. Or a brick. “I thought you were being an idiot but – _holy fuck_ , you were actually—!”

Theo’s doubled over, gasping for breath. Liam frowns: okay, it isn’t _that_ funny. How _rude_.

“You’re exactly like that spider!” Theo speaks between snorts, making Liam’s jaw drop in affront. “W-with the mating dance and the _posturing_ , oh _shit_.”

“I’m glad I could be of service.” Liam is _not_ sulking. He is definitely not. Nope, and if anyone tells you that (read: _Alec_ ), they’re a dirty liar and should never be trusted.

“Ah, man,” Theo wipes a tear from his eye, “I can’t believe you, sometimes. Wait no, scratch that: I _should_ be used to it.”

“Okay, that’s it, I’m leaving.” Liam announces dramatically, subtly stomping his foot, “I didn’t sign up for this kind of negativity.”

“This is _your_ house.”

Okay, well, that puts a _slight_ dent in his plans. Damn Theo Raeken and his _stupid_ , infuriating smirk. And his _stupid_ , annoying hair and his _stupid_ , pretty face.

Liam glares.

Theo chuckles and moves slightly, patting the space next to him.

“C’mon, don’t you want to finish that movie?” He coaxes, and Liam can’t really argue with that so, with a sigh, he plops down onto the couch, nestling into Theo’s side. The warmth is comforting, and the fact that he can _do_ this, at all, is enough to fuel him for years to come.

“Play the movie.” He tells Theo, carefully taking his hand and delighting when the older boy doesn’t protest.

“Yeah, but first,” Theo rolls his eyes, raising his voice. “You can sneak out through the front door, y’know!”

Oh right. The _others._ Liam forgot they existed for a second there, whoops.

“Aw, _man_!” Alec’s voice sounds out, and Mason sounds stricken when he protests. “But – _Corey_ —what about your magic ninja powers?”

“They don’t exist.” Corey sighs, and Nolan adds, shuffling out, “Can’t we just shamefully walk out now?”

“You’re welcome to.” Theo snarks, and Liam groans from where he’s basically buried in his armpit, “Get off me for a sec, Little Wolf.”

“Fuck you, no.” Liam tells him honestly, ignoring Mason’s ‘ _d’awww_ ’ in the background. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“But—”

“No.”

The door creaks as it shuts, but Liam doesn’t pay it any mind, focusing on Theo’s narrowed eyes. It seems to pay off, because Theo eventually sighs at him and nods.

Then, he glares at the window. “Mason, I can still _see_ you.”

An exasperated huff sounds out.

“C’mon dude, I deserve this!” Liam’s kind of embarrassed, and he can’t even begin to imagine how Corey must feel. “I set this shit up!”

“ _Bro_!” That’s Alec’s voice. “That was totally all me!”

They actually start _squabbling_ , and it’s _really_ starting to piss Liam off. Here he is, cuddling his boyfriend ( _omg, is he???_ ) into the couch, and those two _morons_ outside just _have_ to keep going at it.

He doesn’t think, just lets his fangs drop and gives them a warning roar. Two ‘ _meeps_ ’ are squeaked out, and the heartbeats promptly disappear.

Theo raises an eyebrow.

“I didn’t think you had it in you.” He says appreciatively, and his lips curl up. “I’m impressed.”

“Shut up.” Liam rolls his eyes, pulling Theo down by the nape of his neck to get him to do just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This... was a long time coming (okay, I know, it was probably only a week). This wasn't originally supposed to even be this long; it was _supposed_ to be a one-shot, but look how that turned out! This isn't exactly how I pictured the fic going when I first started writing it, but I know if I tried to rewrite, it'd be terrible LOL ^^;
> 
> Thank you for reading, and the love!

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism would seriously help me out! If you don't like something, or just plain hate it, tell me why!
> 
> [Find me on Tumblr!](https://maniacalmidnight.tumblr.com/)


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